Friday, 30 July 2010
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• VOLUME 40 • © HORSES For LIFE™ Magazine •Horses For LIFE Publications
Riding by Torchlight
Never
Again
Another year, and the month of resolutions and a look in the rearview mirror is upon us. I have given up on resolutions, since they have rarely lasted beyond a few days in January for me or most people in my acquaintance. I go for ‘everything in moderation’ all year around, which in itself is a nonstop exercise of a resolution for me, as another oldie but a goodie, ‘too much of a good thing’, tends to not register with me until the good thing has left me dazed and confused, possibly in pain and almost always in some form of discomfort and quite possibly, a sincere state of regret. It was fun while it lasted…there are those who would tell you that I am an extremist. I am not. I just don’t always know when to stop. There are also vicious tongues who would paint me a perfectionist. Alas, that is just a dirty word for a perfectly decent human being who just happens to be detail oriented. There, I’m glad we got that sorted out. So, no resolutions for me but to keep on keeping on. I promise, though, to quit with the cliches soon, really soon. Scouts honor. And while keeping on here into the brave new year, I carry last year with me with much still to be gleaned and digested, accepted and, if at all possible, embraced. All at once, the cliches rhyme with age-old truths and gain new respect in my regard, they help label and define the unspeakable for which I cannot find the words. The sudden loss of my mother left me with a great many ‘never again’ moments, moments that catch in my throat and force me to realize my world has changed for good, and there is no going back. The understanding has slowly and coldly dawned, that unbeknownst to me, an underground, subtle but powerful spring has fed my garden for years, and now it has abruptly dried up, never to return, and I must carry water for my garden myself if it is to continue to bloom. In every life there are a myriad of ‘never agains’. Happy and sad. The first loss of a beloved thing or being, the run-over cat or broken toy callously thrown out by the unwitting adult. First broken-hearted teenage angst filled ‘never again ’, when life feels all but over. First hangover…first divorce…but also the many little 'never agains', too personal or inconsequential even to really discuss. The ‘never agains’ you would bring back if only you knew how. Knowing you’ll never again hear your name said just so. The feel of a hand. The eyes that look like that, but only at you. Footsteps on a staircase, hoofbeats in the sand, heartbeats in the dark. A certain rumbling nicker, pricked ears silhouetted against the sky. The silky skin of a trustingly lowered eyelid, waiting for a kiss. A mad dash across the pasture for that glorious carrot, or maybe just to let you know you were long awaited and missed. A muzzle nuzzling your cheek just so. The best ever canter, the kindest buck, the most exhilarating jump. A sitting trot that felt like riding a cloud. A moment of interspecies communication eons beyond words, soon lost but never, ever forgotten. All of these are beyond words, they live only fully in our hearts and memories, where with closed eyes we can savor and tarry in their beauty and lingering warmth. They are our legacy and our inheritance, to take with us into the next world, and to leave behind for those who would remember us. Much has been and continues to be said of the ability of the horse to remember and to process the events of its life, to draw conclusions and compartmentalize these conclusions. I don’t have the wherewithal to enter into that discussion again now, let’s just say I am firmly in the ‘believer’ camp. And on that ground, I have wondered lately about the ‘never agains’ in a horse's life.
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An Equestrian Legacy